July 15th is a very hard day for me. It has been for the past 12 years and I'm certain it will be for as long as I live. 12 years ago today, my mom died of cancer. I cannot imagine what my life would be like or who I would be if this tragic event had not happened to me. I am forever changed because of it. I think of her often. At times it seems as though its been so long and its hard to remember the feelings and the pain and other times it feels as long it was just yesterday.

I've done a pretty good job of hiding my emotions for the past 10 or so years. I've bottled it all up...or actually just gotten rid of all emotions all together. Easier that way, I presumed. That way there would be no getting hurt. I've recently had a new resolve to try to love with more of my heart and feel the pain that exists as a result of tragedy or heartache in my life. I cried so much for the first 2 years after my mom died that one day I decided that was it. And I've really never cried much since then. About much of anything.

No more feelings equals no more pain. I now realize, 10 years later, that is no way to live.

My mom was a fantastic woman. I know she would have loved my kids. They would have loved to go to nana's house to visit. I would have loved to call her for advice. I would love more than anything to... You could insert almost anything into the end of that sentence. My hearts aches tonight knowing that I will never be able to do any of those things. I will never see her, speak to her in person, hug her, eat dinner with her, be embarrassed to go yard saling with her, or see her smile on this Earth again.

I love you, Mom and miss you terribly.